My mind was clouded with questions. My emotions bounced back and forth from fear and worry about what was going to happen to me and then to giddiness and butterflies whenever I thought of Ari. I lived more for the nights now than for the days. Admitting my preoccupation with Ari made me angry with myself, but there was no use denying it. My nightmares were scary and confusing. In some of them, my mom died over and over. In others, Mia was the one getting in the front seat of the car with Dr. Spruce. I also had dreams about running – not running for the joy it has always given me, but running to get away from something or, maybe, find something. I never really knew. The worst dreams, though, were new ones. I dreamed about myself and in the dreams, I was crying and shivering on a bed with no sheets or blankets. My body was emaciated, the bony framework easily seen, and I pulled hard on my hair. I screamed as though being tortured, yet there was no one else with me in the space. Ari came in to my room every single night.
