Back When We Were Grownups (2004) - Plot & Excerpts
I surprised myself by enjoying this novel quite a lot more than I'd expected, since I'm not the most enthusiastic of Anne Tyler fans (or of these sorts of novels) and usually reserve them, in fact, for when I'm stuck and have nothing else at hand to read or when I'm really, really tired/stressed out and looking for a sweet, slow, comfy 'ride.'Well, on some levels, that this is. From the first page the reader feels at home with overweight, slightly frazzled 53-year-old Rebecca, a long-time widow who has, seemingly 'out of the blue' to her 'true self', acquired a large, loud, boisterous family and the coddling, encouraging personality to go with it. Rebecca--in Baltimore, as always with Tyler--heads a family party-salon business started by her dead husband, a man 13 years her senior whom from the first she'd viewed as a laughing, energetic, full-of-life type of guy who was going to 'save' her from the dull obscurity of her own upbringing: the quiet, bookish only child of an exacting widow, a 19 year old 'heavyset' girl (the way Tyler describes her, she comes off as sort of Dutch milkmaid!) engaged-to-be-engaged to an equally quiet, bookish only child, a boy whom from the first we know is not the 'right one' by his fastidiousness. Instead, Rebecca fairy-tale-like is whisked away by 30-something manly Joe in the space of minutes, as his wife and stepmother to his 3 girls, abandoned by a mother who preferred to search herself in singing and acting. In six years, Joe transforms Rebecca's quietness so that she is somehow the backbone of the family business, family house and family itself, including the weepy mother-in-law, cantankerous widowed uncle and would-be-doctor younger brother. He gives her a child--another daughter, stuck inexplicably with a Chinese-sounding name--and then dies in a car accident.Move forward 20-odd years and Rebecca has never married again or even had a simple date. Her time is full caring for the widow uncle, now close to 100, and the extended family of her daughter and 3 stepdaughters, as well as the younger brother in law, now a doctor. Everyone seems to orbit around her whilst simultaneously taking her for granted--not unusual in either these types of familial setups or in an Anne Tyler story. But for some reason, as the novel opens, in a very Tylerish manner Rebecca 'realizes' she has been living someone else's life (she never points out who) and that her real life got lost along the way. What would have happened if she had not succumbed to temptation in the name of Joe and had continued living her life the way it was supposed to have been? Continuing with school, with her engaged-to-be-engagement etc. She decides she'd have been her 'real' self.So she looks up her old (and only) boyfriend, now a department head at their old college, and the two rather unlikely hook up again. Only as time passes Rebecca starts to feel that everything in the ex boyfriend that pushed her to flee straight into Joe's arms all that time ago may actually have made a lot of sense and in the end, what she learns is that all these years her paralysis was less because she'd been pushed into the wrong life with the wrong 'self' and more because she'd been devastated by Joe's untimely (and perhaps less-than-innocent) death. She has, in fact, been in mourning.When I got to this part--when I understood it--I actually really felt for Rebecca and her predicament and found the underlying sensitivity rather compelling. Not all the loose ends make sense but this is a very humane, well-told story.
Can I have a story where Zeb was the one Rebecca chose, not Joe or Will Allenby. Just Zeb. From the last 20 pages or so, I was vainly hoping, holding an imaginary thread that somehow, someway, the story would turn a sharp turn revealing how Zeb was actually Rebecca's soulmate and they're really meant for each other. Oh how childish that is! But I couldn't help it! You (the author) lulled me into believing with some pinch and hunch Zeb's small acts, the way they talk, how he cared for her.. I was brokenhearted! flabbergasted even! that the story ended where I do not want it to be! Where are my answers? Oh, of course I can make a scenario in my head about how I want it to end but it's just entirely different. I was waiting for the collective oohs and ahhs. I was brokenhearted. You should hear me. It was true. A chunk of my heart shattered when I read what I found to be the last page, last paragraph, last sentence, last word. Oh you don't know!I am cooing like a child. Worst than Poppy (but I love Poppy, alright). Not even his favorite icing would be enough as a consolation. You left me in the dark abyss, left me dangling over the spikes below a hundred foot cliff, left me with a melted ice cream.Some kind of traitor of a friend, you are. I am forever emotionally hurt. Hurting for a love that could have been written, given light to, appreciated. She was happy with him, always consoled and taken care of. He was waiting for her. You could have played the notes but ended it abruptly short before even starting. I was dismayed. Did I tell I was hurt? I was scarred for life. Every time I'll see this book, I'll remember what could have been and how I hoped and became disappointed.Well, I love the Davitches anyway and did I mention Poppy. Keeping my emotions aside, I guess she did end up where she's meant to be. And falling in love again at 53 wouldn't hurt especially if its waiting behind the corner all the time. The moral implications? Well, long before our great grandfather's time, before the dragons even came to rule Westeros as one, it's normal to marry the brother of your husband (who died before you even enjoyed your time with him). (Can you get pregnant at 53?) That is ancient, I guess. But still! It is Zeb who made her laugh first! That kind of without hidden motives or malicious intent underneath for someone so young as to even realize how this and that would change her life. Purely personal, the idea was perverse. To rule and to push a much younger by you by thirty years to marry you because of obviously, the need for a help and for sexual needs. And a pretty one too, at that! with a much brighter future ahead! Obviously he would choose a pretty and younger wife to satisfy his needs! And this is where I hated the story. Could she make a rational, logical and mature answer if she was rushed into the scene, all chaos and confusion of emotion present as a teen. God knows where that will take her! In his arms, of course! Did he even loved her purely? Will Allenby, no. Not Joe Davitch. It was Zeb. But where was that part of the story?
What do You think about Back When We Were Grownups (2004)?
3.5*Opening line: Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.The point of the book being that she hadn't turned into the wrong person, but it takes a long time to get her to that realization. The journey passes through lots of dysfunction, craziness, and extended family mayhem (that reminded me of my own crazy extended family).I can see where this might not appeal--all the women characters have really stupid names, but I suppose it is typical of the time and place that Tyler is trying to depict--but the overall feeling of the book really appealed to me and I enjoyed it immensely.p 231: She passed her New York Reviews on to Troy without giving them a glance; she told him she thought there was something perverted about book reviews that were longer than the books they were reviewing.
—Hayes
I've known for a while now that my life will turn out to be nothing like what I thought (and currently think) it will be. Being in my early twenties betrays me as merely knowing this in theory, and I'm sure several more levels of heady realization will hit me as I age. But reading this book was a valuable experience because it made me think about the fact that at some point, I will look at my life and think: "I didn't choose this," and possibly resent it. Rebecca was thrust into a lifestyle that forced her to act differently than she was comfortable with, but because - according to Aristotle - "We are what we repeatedly do," she became that person anyway. She chose to behave as if she were happy, in many ways purely for the comfort and happiness of others. This lifestyle does not convey to me a feeling of helplessness. Her life epitomized the sentiment of Aristotle, and tells me that whatever situation I find myself, I still have the choice to behave the way I would have myself become, even if it includes the conscious choice of being happy.
—Megan Simper
If anyone is thinking of reading this book, you will have more fun having a bikini wax.An interminably long, deadly boring book with little plot, too many characters, most of them unnecessary and not even a happy ending to make up for getting through to the last page. I hung in there for the book to get better, and finally realised the author must be paid by the word, as she seemed to make sure she got a good deal by stringing out this book with all the unnecessary descriptions and superfluous blah-blah she could make up. A terrible book and the worst thing some trees had to give their lives for it to be printed. My only consolation, I listened to an audio version, which at the very least saved one tree and allowed me to get through this book in two days.The plot as far as there is one: Spoiler alert!!!!There is a middle aged widow who finally realised that her first husband probably married her because he needed someone to take care of him and his children. She thinks she could have done better marrying the other suitor she had and tries to re-kindle that relationship, only to realise that he was a worse deal, in fact a total looser, and that she probably used her husband to escape that relationship. Into the plot are woven a bunch of side players, most of them totally self-absorbed, who contribute little to the plot other than to reinforce the old belief that mothers/women are people you can use up for your own needs, and then tell them they have failed you in some way.The only half-likeable character is Poppy, almost 100 years old, who makes the full 100 during the book and has a great party with all sweet food. (As if anyone caring for a 100 year old would go along with that. Plus those making it to 100 are usually no longer able to eat sweet food.)
—Any Length
